apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
