im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize