Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
