I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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