Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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