I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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