I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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