i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
