So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
