if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
