so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
