i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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