She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize