Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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