he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
