I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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