Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
