can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
