She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
