my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
