i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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