Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
