Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
