just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize