I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you mean i was at the winter classic?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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