i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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