Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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