it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize