Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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