"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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