If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
