I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
