So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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