Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
