last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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