remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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