Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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