I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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