my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Blood and glitter go together right?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
