Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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