Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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