I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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