Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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