I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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