I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
