Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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