Moan for me like Helen Keller
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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