Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Randomize
