I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
