Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
