You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
How's work?
Spinning.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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