Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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