____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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