dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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