My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
