right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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