In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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