So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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