when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
