he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize