Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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