I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
