Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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