God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
