i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize