I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
